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KS3 English · Year 9Chapter 10 · Writing narrative: extended, controlled and crafted
Year 9 · Chapter 10

Writing narrative: extended, controlled and crafted

By the end of this chapter you will be able to

  • I can write a setting that creates atmosphere through sensory detail.
  • I can choose a viewpoint and keep it under control.
  • I can control tension and pace with sentence length and dialogue.
  • I can use foreshadowing to build suspense.
  • I can build a character through action and speech.
  • I can revise a first draft and explain what I changed and why.

You should already know

  • Writing a short narrative with a clear beginning, middle and end (Year 8, Chapter 10 of this book)
  • Using dialogue and paragraphs in narrative (Year 8, Chapter 10 of this book)

Where this leads

  • Writing to argue and evaluate: rebuttal and qualified claims (Year 9, Chapter 11 of this book)
  • Writing for purpose and audience: reviews, reports, letters and articles (Year 9, Chapter 12 of this book)

National Curriculum for England, Key Stage 3 English, Year 9. Content: Write narrative for pleasure and effect, with settings, characters, atmosphere and tension (KS3 writing, W1 and W6), Control viewpoint, tension and pace, and use foreshadowing across a whole story (KS3 writing, W6), Plan, draft, revise and edit a longer narrative, and use vocabulary and sentence variety with control (KS3 writing, W3 and W4), Use accurate spelling and punctuation, including dialogue punctuation, in a long piece (KS3 writing, W5).

Exercise P  Do you remember?

1
FWhat is a paragraph? Write one short phrase.
2
FWrite the word for the person who tells a story. Write one word.
3
FWrite the punctuation mark that goes at the end of a sentence that gives a command. Write the mark.
4
FWrite one word that means the same as frightening.
5
FWrite the past tense of the verb to hear.
10.1

Setting and atmosphere

Year 9
Create a setting and atmosphere through sensory detail and controlled description (KS3 writing, W1 and W6)
Video lesson: Setting and atmosphereComing soon
Context. Read the opening of the model story. The writer does not describe the whole canal; she chooses a few details that build a feeling of damp, dark and loneliness. Sensory detail, such as the sight of the fog and the feel of wet wood, makes the setting real.

Text 1: The towpath (original model story, six paragraphs)

1The fog had come off the canal before dusk, and by seven the towpath was a grey tunnel with no end. Ruby kept one hand on the railings and counted the lamp posts. Four, five, six. The seventh was broken, as it had been since October.

2She had told her mum she was going to Priya's. She had not mentioned the phone call. The voice had been hoarse and whispered, and it had said only one word: come.

3Somewhere behind her, a bicycle bell rang twice, and then nothing. Ruby did not turn round. Her grandfather had always said that the canal kept its own time, and that you should never answer a sound you could not see.

4'Ruby?' The voice came from the lock gates, thinner than she remembered. 'You came.'

5'You said come.' She stepped onto the lock beam, and felt the wet wood slide under her trainers. 'Where's Dad?'

6Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment, and the fog moved between them like something breathing. 'Gone to the hospital,' he said at last. 'I could not stop him going, and I could not bear to be alone.'

Key ideas

  • Atmosphere is the feeling a setting creates, such as fear, calm or loneliness.
  • Sensory detail uses sight, sound, touch, smell or taste to make a setting real.
  • Choose a few well-chosen details, rather than a long list.
Worked example 10.1.1
Which sensory detail creates the feeling of loneliness at the start?

Method. Find the detail that suggests isolation.

  1. Find the detail. The towpath is a grey tunnel with no end.
    a grey tunnel with no end
  2. Name the sense. The detail is visual, and it suggests a long, empty space.
    visual
  3. Explain the feeling. The endless tunnel suggests isolation.
    suggests isolation
  4. Write the answer.
    a grey tunnel with no end

Check. The detail creates isolation. ✓

Worked example 10.1.2
Which detail is an auditory (sound) detail? Choose one: a bicycle bell rang twice, a grey tunnel or wet wood.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. A bell is heard, so it is an auditory detail.
    a bicycle bell rang twice fits
  3. Reject the other choices. A grey tunnel is visual, and wet wood is tactile.
    a grey tunnel and wet wood do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    a bicycle bell rang twice

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.1.3
What does "counted the lamp posts" suggest about Ruby?

Method. Think about why someone counts.

  1. Find the action. Ruby counts the lamp posts.
    counted the lamp posts
  2. Think about the reason. People count to steady their nerves.
    steady their nerves
  3. Explain the feeling. It suggests she is nervous.
    she is nervous
  4. Write the answer.
    she is nervous and uses counting to calm herself

Check. The action shows nerves. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: a long list of details is not atmosphere. Choose details that all create the same feeling.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Name the feeling you want, then choose two or three details that create it, from different senses.

Exercise 10A  Practice: setting and atmosphere

1
FCopy the words that describe the fog coming off the canal.
2
FWhich number does Ruby reach just before the broken lamp post? Write the number.
3
FWhich sense does "the fog moved between them like something breathing" mainly appeal to? Choose one: sight and touch, taste or smell.
4
FWhich detail creates a sense of damp? Choose one: the towpath was a grey tunnel, a bicycle bell rang twice or Gone to the hospital.
5
FWrite one sentence of sensory detail for the canal at night, using sound.
6
FWrite one sentence of sensory detail for the canal at night, using touch.
7
FIn which paragraph does Ruby count the lamp posts? Write the number.
8
FCopy the words that show the seventh lamp post was broken.
9
RExplain what the broken lamp post adds to the atmosphere.
10
PSWrite one sentence that creates a sense of loneliness in a setting of your own.
11
RExplain how the phrase "a grey tunnel with no end" creates a feeling of being trapped.
12
FWhich sentence is the best setting description for a damp, quiet place? Choose one: The air was thick with fog, and the only sound was dripping water., It was a nice place. or There was a canal..
13
PSWrite a short setting description, two sentences long, for a station at night.
14
RExplain why the writer chooses few details, rather than a long description of the canal.
10.2

Viewpoint and focalisation

Year 9
Control viewpoint and focalisation across a narrative (KS3 writing, W6)
Video lesson: Viewpoint and focalisationComing soon
Context. Focalisation is the viewpoint through which the reader sees events. In the model story, the reader sees everything through Ruby. We know what she notices, what she fears and what she does not say. A writer who changes focaliser must do it clearly, and keep the change under control.

Text 1: The towpath (original model story, six paragraphs)

1The fog had come off the canal before dusk, and by seven the towpath was a grey tunnel with no end. Ruby kept one hand on the railings and counted the lamp posts. Four, five, six. The seventh was broken, as it had been since October.

2She had told her mum she was going to Priya's. She had not mentioned the phone call. The voice had been hoarse and whispered, and it had said only one word: come.

3Somewhere behind her, a bicycle bell rang twice, and then nothing. Ruby did not turn round. Her grandfather had always said that the canal kept its own time, and that you should never answer a sound you could not see.

4'Ruby?' The voice came from the lock gates, thinner than she remembered. 'You came.'

5'You said come.' She stepped onto the lock beam, and felt the wet wood slide under her trainers. 'Where's Dad?'

6Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment, and the fog moved between them like something breathing. 'Gone to the hospital,' he said at last. 'I could not stop him going, and I could not bear to be alone.'

Key ideas

  • Viewpoint is the position from which the story is told: first person (I) or third person (she, he).
  • Focalisation is what the reader sees and knows, through one character's eyes.
  • A change of focaliser must be marked clearly, for example with a new paragraph or a new character's name.
Worked example 10.2.1
Whose focalisation is used in the model story?

Method. Look at whose thoughts and feelings the reader knows.

  1. Find the pronoun. The story uses she and Ruby.
    Ruby
  2. Find the thoughts. The reader knows what Ruby fears and notices.
    Ruby did not turn round
  3. Name the focalisation. It is Ruby's focalisation, in the third person.
    Ruby's focalisation
  4. Write the answer.
    Ruby's focalisation, through third person close

Check. The focalisation is supported by the thoughts. ✓

Worked example 10.2.2
What does "She had not mentioned the phone call" tell the reader? Choose one: Ruby is keeping a secret, Ruby is happy or Ruby has forgotten the call.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. The narrator reveals that Ruby has not told her mum, which suggests a secret.
    Ruby is keeping a secret fits
  3. Reject the other choices. The sentence does not say Ruby is happy or that she forgot.
    Ruby is happy and Ruby has forgotten the call do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    Ruby is keeping a secret

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.2.3
What is the effect of keeping the focaliser on Ruby through the story?

Method. Think about what the reader can and cannot know.

  1. Find the limit. The reader sees only what Ruby sees and thinks.
    what Ruby sees
  2. Find the effect. The reader shares her fear and does not know more than she does.
    shares her fear
  3. Explain. So the reader feels the same suspense.
    the reader shares her fear and uncertainty
  4. Write the answer.
    the reader shares her fear and uncertainty

Check. The effect of one focaliser is explained. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: do not switch focaliser in the middle of a paragraph without a clear marker. The reader will lose track.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Decide the focaliser before you write. Keep it, or change it on purpose at a paragraph break.

Exercise 10B  Practice: viewpoint and focalisation

1
FCopy the words that show Ruby did not turn round.
2
FIn which paragraph does the reader learn what Ruby has not told her mum? Write the number.
3
FWhich pronoun is used for the main character? Choose one: she, I or they.
4
RExplain one thing the reader cannot know because of Ruby's focalisation.
5
PSWrite one sentence in Ruby's focalisation about a sound she hears.
6
RExplain the effect of "Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment" on the focalisation.
7
FWhat is the best way to mark a change of focaliser? Choose one: start a new paragraph and name the new character, use no punctuation or switch in the middle of a sentence.
8
FRewrite "I was walking home when the lights went out" in third person, with Ruby as the focaliser.
9
RExplain why a writer might choose a first person narrator instead of a third person one.
10
FHow many different focalisers does the model story use? Write the number.
11
RDescribe the effect of keeping one focaliser on the reader's trust.
10.3

Tension and pace

Year 9
Control tension and pace with sentence length, short sentences and dialogue (KS3 writing, W4 and W6)
Video lesson: Tension and paceComing soon
Context. Tension builds when the reader fears what might happen next. Pace is the speed of the story. Short sentences speed the pace; long sentences slow it. Dialogue quickens the story, and a pause in the action slows it.

Text 1: The towpath (original model story, six paragraphs)

1The fog had come off the canal before dusk, and by seven the towpath was a grey tunnel with no end. Ruby kept one hand on the railings and counted the lamp posts. Four, five, six. The seventh was broken, as it had been since October.

2She had told her mum she was going to Priya's. She had not mentioned the phone call. The voice had been hoarse and whispered, and it had said only one word: come.

3Somewhere behind her, a bicycle bell rang twice, and then nothing. Ruby did not turn round. Her grandfather had always said that the canal kept its own time, and that you should never answer a sound you could not see.

4'Ruby?' The voice came from the lock gates, thinner than she remembered. 'You came.'

5'You said come.' She stepped onto the lock beam, and felt the wet wood slide under her trainers. 'Where's Dad?'

6Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment, and the fog moved between them like something breathing. 'Gone to the hospital,' he said at last. 'I could not stop him going, and I could not bear to be alone.'

Key ideas

  • Tension: the reader worries about what will happen next.
  • Pace: the speed of the story, changed by sentence length, dialogue and description.
  • Short sentences quicken the pace; longer, descriptive sentences slow it.
Worked example 10.3.1
Why are the sentences "Four, five, six." so short?

Method. Look at the length of the sentence and its effect.

  1. Find the sentence. Four, five, six.
    Four, five, six
  2. Check the length. It is only three words, so it is short.
    three words
  3. Explain the effect. The rhythm of counting is shown, which builds the tension of waiting.
    builds the tension of waiting
  4. Write the answer.
    to slow the reader down and show Ruby counting carefully

Check. The short sentence and its effect are explained. ✓

Worked example 10.3.2
Which choice slows the pace most? Choose one: a long descriptive sentence, a short sharp line of dialogue or an exclamation.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. A long sentence of description slows the reader down.
    a long descriptive sentence fits
  3. Reject the other choices. Short dialogue and an exclamation speed up the pace.
    a short sharp line of dialogue and an exclamation do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    a long descriptive sentence

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.3.3
How does the dialogue "You said come." change the pace?

Method. Look at the length and the reply.

  1. Find the dialogue. You said come.
    You said come
  2. Check the length. It is short and immediate.
    short and immediate
  3. Explain the effect. The quick reply speeds up the pace, so the tension rises.
    it speeds up the story with a quick reply
  4. Write the answer.
    it speeds up the story with a quick reply

Check. The dialogue and its effect are explained. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: do not make every sentence short. A story full of short sentences has no pace at all; vary the length.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Plan where the tension rises and falls. Use short sentences at the peak, and longer ones to rest the reader.

Exercise 10C  Practice: tension and pace

1
FCopy the short line of dialogue that says Ruby has come.
2
FWhich sentence has the shortest length? Choose one: Four, five, six., The fog had come off the canal before dusk. or Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment..
3
FIn which paragraph does the bell ring twice? Write the number.
4
RExplain why the bell is followed by "and then nothing".
5
FWhich sentence would speed up the pace? Choose one: 'Ruby?' The voice was thin., The voice, which had been thin and far away for many long years, came softly through the fog. or The voice was there..
6
PSWrite one short sentence that increases the tension at the end of a scene.
7
RExplain how the paragraph "Her grandfather looked down..." slows the pace.
8
PSWrite one line of dialogue that shows a character's fear, and keep it short.
9
FWhich choice creates the most tension at a scene's end? Choose one: a cliffhanger line, a long explanation or a list of facts.
10
RExplain why a writer varies sentence length in a long story.
11
FWhich sentence is the first one in paragraph 6? Write its first three words.
10.4

Foreshadowing and planning a structure

Year 9
Use foreshadowing and a planned structure of beginning, middle and end (KS3 writing, W3 and W6)
Video lesson: Foreshadowing and planning a structureComing soon
Context. Foreshadowing hints at what will happen later. In the model story, the grandfather's warning about the canal's time hints that something will go wrong. A plan lists the beginning, middle and end, and places the hints so that the ending feels earned.

Text 1: The towpath (original model story, six paragraphs)

1The fog had come off the canal before dusk, and by seven the towpath was a grey tunnel with no end. Ruby kept one hand on the railings and counted the lamp posts. Four, five, six. The seventh was broken, as it had been since October.

2She had told her mum she was going to Priya's. She had not mentioned the phone call. The voice had been hoarse and whispered, and it had said only one word: come.

3Somewhere behind her, a bicycle bell rang twice, and then nothing. Ruby did not turn round. Her grandfather had always said that the canal kept its own time, and that you should never answer a sound you could not see.

4'Ruby?' The voice came from the lock gates, thinner than she remembered. 'You came.'

5'You said come.' She stepped onto the lock beam, and felt the wet wood slide under her trainers. 'Where's Dad?'

6Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment, and the fog moved between them like something breathing. 'Gone to the hospital,' he said at last. 'I could not stop him going, and I could not bear to be alone.'

PartWhat happens in the model story
Beginningthe fog, the lamp posts, and the phone call
Middlethe bell, the warning, and the meeting at the lock
Endthe news about Ruby's father, and the grandfather's reason

Key ideas

  • Foreshadowing: a hint or warning about a later event.
  • A planned structure has a beginning that sets up a problem, a middle that raises it, and an end that answers it.
  • The best hints are small, and they make sense only after the event.
Worked example 10.4.1
What foreshadowing does the grandfather's warning provide?

Method. Find the warning, then say what it hints at.

  1. Find the warning. The canal kept its own time, and you should never answer a sound you could not see.
    never answer a sound you could not see
  2. Find the hint. It hints that something unseen is calling.
    unseen
  3. Explain it. The hint prepares the reader for the bell and the voice.
    prepares the reader
  4. Write the answer.
    it hints that the canal is dangerous or mysterious, and that a sound should not be answered

Check. The hint is found and explained. ✓

Worked example 10.4.2
Which part of the structure is "the phone call" in the model? Choose one: beginning, middle or end.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. The phone call sets up the problem at the start of the story.
    beginning fits
  3. Reject the other choices. The middle is the bell and the meeting, and the end is the news.
    middle and end do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    beginning

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.4.3
Why is the phone call mentioned before the bell?

Method. Think about what the early detail does.

  1. Find the detail. She had not mentioned the phone call.
    the phone call
  2. Find the later event. The bell rings in the middle.
    a bicycle bell rang twice
  3. Explain. The early call makes the later events feel connected.
    feel connected
  4. Write the answer.
    it sets up the problem, so the reader wonders what it means

Check. The planning is explained. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: a foreshadowing hint that is too obvious spoils the surprise. Make it small.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Plan the three parts in one sentence each, then add one hint in the beginning that pays off in the end.

Exercise 10D  Practice: foreshadowing and structure

1
FCopy the words that hint that something unseen is calling Ruby.
2
FWhich part is "the bell rang twice"? Choose one: middle, beginning or end.
3
FWhat does "the canal kept its own time" foreshadow? Choose one: that events on the canal may not follow normal time, that Ruby is late or that the bell is broken.
4
FIn which paragraph is the warning about the canal given? Write the number.
5
PSPlan a foreshadowing hint for a story about a missing key, in one sentence.
6
FWhat is the purpose of a plan with three parts? Choose one: to make sure the story has a shape, to fill the page or to avoid writing.
7
RExplain why the phone call is in the beginning of the story.
8
RExplain how the end of the model story answers the problem raised at the start.
9
PSWrite one sentence that might come at the end of a story about a lost dog, to answer a hint given earlier.
10
RExplain why a foreshadowing hint should be small.
11
FCopy the words that name the phone call from Ruby's earlier moment.
12
PSWrite a three-part plan for a short story, in one line each.
10.5

Characterisation through action and speech

Year 9
Build characters through action, speech and reaction, and show personality without naming it (KS3 writing, W6)
Video lesson: Characterisation through action and speechComing soon
Context. Writers rarely say a character is brave or kind. They show it through what the character does, says and notices. The grandfather in the model story shows his feelings through a long look and an honest reply, rather than through a statement.

Text 1: The towpath (original model story, six paragraphs)

1The fog had come off the canal before dusk, and by seven the towpath was a grey tunnel with no end. Ruby kept one hand on the railings and counted the lamp posts. Four, five, six. The seventh was broken, as it had been since October.

2She had told her mum she was going to Priya's. She had not mentioned the phone call. The voice had been hoarse and whispered, and it had said only one word: come.

3Somewhere behind her, a bicycle bell rang twice, and then nothing. Ruby did not turn round. Her grandfather had always said that the canal kept its own time, and that you should never answer a sound you could not see.

4'Ruby?' The voice came from the lock gates, thinner than she remembered. 'You came.'

5'You said come.' She stepped onto the lock beam, and felt the wet wood slide under her trainers. 'Where's Dad?'

6Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment, and the fog moved between them like something breathing. 'Gone to the hospital,' he said at last. 'I could not stop him going, and I could not bear to be alone.'

Key ideas

  • Show character through action: what the person does in a moment of tension.
  • Show character through speech: what they say, and how they say it.
  • Show character through reaction: what the character notices, or what they do not say.
Worked example 10.5.1
What does the grandfather's long look at Ruby show about him?

Method. Read the action, then infer the character.

  1. Find the action. Her grandfather looked down at her for a long moment.
    looked down at her
  2. Find the speech. He said he could not stop his son going.
    I could not stop him going
  3. Infer the character. He is worried and caring, though he cannot change what has happened.
    weighed down
  4. Write the answer.
    that he is weighed down, and cares deeply about her

Check. The character is shown through action and speech. ✓

Worked example 10.5.2
Which phrase shows Ruby is brave? Choose one: You said come., the voice had been hoarse or the phone rang.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. Ruby goes to the canal in the dark, which shows she is brave.
    You said come. fits
  3. Reject the other choices. Hoarse describes the voice, not Ruby, and the phone rang is only an event.
    the voice had been hoarse and the phone rang do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    You said come.

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.5.3
What does "Ruby did not turn round" show about her character?

Method. Think about what a choice shows.

  1. Find the action. Ruby did not turn round.
    did not turn round
  2. Think about the choice. She chooses not to look back, as her grandfather taught.
    as her grandfather taught
  3. Infer the character. She is cautious and disciplined.
    cautious
  4. Write the answer.
    she is cautious or determined, and does not respond to the sound

Check. The choice shows the character. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: do not write "she was brave" as the only evidence. Show the action that proves it.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Show one action, one line of speech, and one reaction. Let the reader infer the character.

Exercise 10E  Practice: characterisation

1
FCopy the words that give the grandfather's news about Ruby's father.
2
FInfer one feeling the grandfather has, from "I could not bear to be alone".
3
FWhich phrase shows Ruby's determination? Choose one: she did not turn round, she had told her mum or the phone rang.
4
RWhat does "She had not mentioned the phone call" show about Ruby?
5
PSWrite one line of dialogue for a character who is angry, without using the word angry.
6
FWhich is the best way to show a character is kind? Choose one: she gave her last biscuit to the new boy, she was a kind person or she was nice.
7
RExplain why a writer shows character through action rather than telling the reader.
8
FWhich word shows the grandfather is worried by his own actions? Write the word.
9
PSWrite one line of speech for a character who is cautious, without describing them.
10
PSWrite one reaction that shows surprise, with no reporting verb of surprise.
11
RExplain how the grandfather's reply shows his character.
10.6

Revision: from first draft to final

Year 9
Plan, draft, revise and edit a narrative, and explain the changes made (KS3 writing, W3, W4 and W5)
Video lesson: Revision: from first draft to finalComing soon
Context. The first draft below tells the same scene as the model story, but it is flat. Compare it with the model. Each change should have a reason: a stronger detail, a better sentence, a more controlled pace, or a clearer focaliser.

Text 2: The first draft (original, weaker version of the same scene)

1Ruby walked along the canal in the fog. It was scary and dark. She was scared.

2She saw a lamp that was broken. Then she heard a bell ringing and a voice said come. She went to the lock gates and found her grandad there.

3He told her their dad had gone to hospital. She was sad.

Key ideas

  • Revision improves a draft in stages: meaning and structure first, then sentences and vocabulary, then spelling and punctuation.
  • Each change should improve the reader's experience. Keep a note of the reason.
  • A first draft often tells rather than shows, and uses vague words such as nice and scary.
Worked example 10.6.1
What is the main weakness of the first draft?

Method. Compare the draft with the model.

  1. Find the telling. It was scary and dark. She was scared.
    It was scary and dark
  2. Compare with the model. The model shows fear through the fog and the broken lamp.
    broken
  3. Name the weakness. The draft tells the feeling instead of showing it.
    tells the feeling
  4. Write the answer.
    it tells the reader feelings, such as It was scary, rather than showing them

Check. The weakness is named and compared. ✓

Worked example 10.6.2
Which revision is the best way to show "scary"? Choose one: the lamp was broken, and the fog moved like something breathing, it was very scary or it was scary and dark.

Method. Test each choice against the sentence or the text.

  1. Read what the question asks for. Decide what the sentence or the text needs.
  2. Test the choice. The image shows the fear through detail, without naming it.
    the lamp was broken, and the fog moved like something breathing fits
  3. Reject the other choices. It was very scary and it was scary and dark both tell the feeling.
    it was very scary and it was scary and dark do not fit
  4. Write the answer.
    the lamp was broken, and the fog moved like something breathing

Check. The choice fits the sentence or the text. ✓

Worked example 10.6.3
What is one change that would improve the sentence "She saw a lamp that was broken."?

Method. Find the weak sentence, then improve its detail.

  1. Find the weak part. The sentence is plain and general.
    a lamp
  2. Improve it. The seventh lamp was broken adds a specific detail.
    The seventh lamp
  3. Explain the change. The specific detail makes the scene more real.
    more real
  4. Write the answer.
    replace the plain verb with a sensory detail, such as the seventh lamp was broken

Check. The change is specific and explained. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: a revision that only changes words, but not the effect on the reader, is not a true revision.

Exam tip

Exam tip. Revise in stages: structure, then detail, then sentences, then punctuation. Keep a list of what you changed and why.

Exercise 10F  Practice: revising a draft

1
FCopy the vague word that describes the walk in the first sentence of the draft.
2
PSRevise "It was scary and dark" so that the feeling is shown, not told.
3
PSRevise "She was scared." so that the fear is shown through action.
4
PSRevise "She saw a lamp that was broken." using a specific detail.
5
PSRevise "He told her their dad had gone to hospital. She was sad." into one sentence with a stronger ending.
6
RExplain one change that improves the sentence variety of the draft.
7
RExplain how the revised draft improves focalisation.
8
RWrite a note explaining one change you would make to the first draft, and why.
9
FCorrect the punctuation in: "Ruby?" the voice came from the lock gates.
10
RExplain why the revised version uses a full stop after "the fog moved between them".
11
PSWrite a short plan for a revised version: beginning, middle and end, in one line each.

Chapter summary

SkillMethod
SettingChoose two or three sensory details that create the same atmosphere
ViewpointDecide the focaliser before writing; mark any change clearly
Tension and paceUse short sentences and dialogue at the peak; longer sentences to rest
ForeshadowingPlace a small hint in the beginning that pays off at the end
CharacterisationShow the character through action, speech and reaction
RevisionRevise in stages: structure, detail, sentences, then punctuation; note each change

Can you…?

  • I can create a setting with sensory detail
  • I can keep one focaliser, or mark a change clearly
  • I can control tension and pace through sentence length
  • I can use a small foreshadowing hint
  • I can show character through action and speech
  • I can revise a draft and explain each change

Key terms

atmosphere
the feeling a setting creates in the reader
sensory detail
a detail that appeals to sight, sound, touch, smell or taste
focalisation
the viewpoint through which the reader sees events
tension
the reader's worry about what will happen next
pace
the speed of a story, changed by sentence length and dialogue
foreshadowing
a hint about a later event
characterisation
the way a writer shows what a character is like
revision
changing a draft to improve its meaning, structure and style

Exercise 10Z  Check-up

1
Which detail creates a sound? Choose one: a bicycle bell rang twice, a grey tunnel with no end or wet wood.
2
Copy the words that show Ruby knows the canal well.
3
Whose focalisation does the model story use? Choose one: Ruby, the grandfather or a narrator outside the story.
4
What is the effect of "You said come."? Choose one: it speeds up the pace, it slows the pace or it ends the story.
5
Which part is the phone call in the structure? Choose one: beginning, middle or end.
6
Give one example of foreshadowing in the model story.
7
Write one sentence of sensory detail for a canal, using smell.
8
Which is the best way to show a change of focaliser? Choose one: a new paragraph that names the new character, a mid-sentence switch or no marker.
9
Revise "She was scared" so that the fear is shown through action.
10
Explain one reason a writer varies sentence length.

Total 21 marks. Allow about 21 minutes.

Exercise 10X  Practice test questions

1
FCopy the words that describe the fog coming off the canal.[1 mark]
2
FName the focaliser of the model story. Write one word.[1 mark]
3
FIdentify one sensory detail in the model story, and say which sense it appeals to.[2 marks]
4
RExplain how the short sentence "Four, five, six." affects the pace. One sentence.[2 marks]
5
RExplain how the phone call foreshadows the later events. One sentence.[2 marks]
6
RInfer one thing about Ruby's character from "Ruby did not turn round". Give one reason.[3 marks]
7
PSRevise "She saw a lamp that was broken." using a specific detail. Write the revised sentence.[3 marks]
8
RExplain why the first draft is weaker than the model story. Give one reason.[2 marks]
9
PSWrite one line of dialogue for a cautious character, and punctuate it correctly.[2 marks]
10
PSPlan a three-part structure for a short story about a lost key, in one line each.[3 marks]
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