Year 4 English · Writing stories · Lesson 11.6

Year 4 English: Cohesion and editing a draft

Part of the Year 4 English writing stories chapter. Chapter overview · whole chapter on one page

11.6

Cohesion and editing a draft

Year 4
Propose changes to grammar and vocabulary for consistency, including accurate pronouns (WC7, WV3, G4-6), Use connecting words and pronouns so that the sentences link together (WC2, WC7), Read your own writing aloud, checking the flow, and edit it (WC9)

Story. Jamal has written the first draft of a story about a day at the fair. Before he hands it in, he reads it aloud, checks each sentence and makes changes.

Cohesion is how sentences and paragraphs stick together, so that the reader can follow them. Writers create cohesion with connecting words (such as afterwards or meanwhile), with pronouns (such as he, she, it and they) that stand in for a noun, and by avoiding needless repetition. A pronoun must match the noun it stands for, so that the reader knows who or what is meant.

Editing means improving a draft by checking its spelling, punctuation, tense, pronouns and repeated words. Reading the writing aloud helps you hear where a sentence is too long, too flat or unclear.

Read the first draft in the box, then answer the questions in exercise 11F.

The Big Wheel (first draft)

1Mia and her brother went to the fair. The fair was loud and bright. Mia wanted to ride the big wheel. Her brother did not want to go on it.

2"I am scared," he said. "Come on" said Mia. They got on the big wheel. The big wheel went round and round.

3At the top, Mia could see the whole town. She waved to her brother. He waved back. Suddenly the wheel stopped. The wheel was stuck. Everyone was quiet. Mia held her brother's hand, and it was not scared any more.

Check	Question to ask
Pronouns	Does each pronoun clearly stand for one noun, and match it?
Punctuation	Is there a comma after each fronted adverbial, and are the speech marks correct?
Repetition	Have I repeated the same name or phrase too often?
Tense	Do the verbs stay in the same tense, unless the time changes?
Connecting words	Do the connecting words show the right link between events?

Key ideas

Cohesion helps the reader follow the text.
A pronoun replaces a noun, and it must match the noun it stands for.
A connecting word shows the link between events, such as afterwards or meanwhile.
Editing improves a draft; proof-reading finds the mistakes that are left.

Worked example 11.6.1

The draft says "Come on" said Mia. Write the speech correctly.

Method. Check the punctuation inside the speech.

Find the spoken words. Come on is what Mia says.
Come on
Add the comma inside the speech. A comma goes inside the inverted commas, before the reporting clause.
"Come on,"
Check the reporting clause. said Mia follows the speech and ends with a full stop.
said Mia.
Write the answer.
"Come on," said Mia.

Check. The comma is inside the speech. ✓

Worked example 11.6.2

Replace the repeated phrase in They got on the big wheel. The big wheel went round and round. with a pronoun.

Method. A pronoun can stand in for a noun phrase that has just been used.

Find the repeated noun phrase. The big wheel is used twice in a row.
The big wheel
Choose a pronoun. It stands for the big wheel, which is a thing.
It
Write the sentence. The pronoun makes the sentence shorter and links it to the sentence before.
It went round and round.
Write the answer.
It went round and round.

Check. The pronoun links the sentences. ✓

Worked example 11.6.3

Find the pronoun error in Mia held her brother's hand, and it was not scared any more. Correct it.

Method. Check which noun the pronoun stands for, then choose a pronoun that matches it.

Find the pronoun. It should stand for her brother, who is a boy.
it
Choose a pronoun that matches. He is the pronoun for a boy.
he
Write the corrected sentence. The new pronoun matches the boy it stands for.
Mia held her brother's hand, and he was not scared any more.
Write the answer.
Mia held her brother's hand, and he was not scared any more.

Check. The pronoun now matches the boy it stands for. ✓

Watch out

Watch out: a pronoun that could stand for two people is confusing. If the reader might not know who is meant, use the name again.

Exam tip

Grown-up tip. Ask your child to read their draft aloud to you. Each time they stumble, ask: "Which word or sentence would help the reader more here?" Let them choose the change.